By cause a broken heart mirrors an ocean

Swirling gaze across the stars,
Allured by the endless sky
You discover the deed made,
When He created the beloved of thy

For when you see the rising Sun,
Trapped inside the horizon, in its half-way
You wonder if it’s just a glare of the beloved
But something just brightens up your day

Yet you start feeling the warmth,
Tho you know he’s your everlasting ally
You still can’t stare at him sometimes
As if it were the first sight when you were shy

For when he starts to lose his light,
And lets you read him through your sight
Would you adore him like before?
While he’s been through his plight

When the night comes back with its charm,
And you’re gazing at the stars, standing stun
Wanting to swim across the love’s harm
By cause a broken heart mirrors an ocean


The Sole Prayer

Being someone with a blind faith in a Supreme Being, I’ve never felt alone, unattended, or lost. Since the time I gained some sense of thinking, I’ve been taught that a prayer from a true heart is listened, and answered. I’ve been told that prayers have the power to alter the destiny.

(Some say that God re-writes how your life-story goes, some say that the destiny is conditional, it decides a path after every phase; i-e it’s like a Y-intersection road. When your prayer gets accepted, your life story moves in one way, otherwise it moves in the other way. There can be more than two options. But this is a total different topic.)

I always had one prayer. Nothing less, nothing more. It was just one, but a smart one. After every time I offered my obligatory prayers, every time visiting a mosque, after every fast, I just asked God to give me some inner peace. Peace for my mind, and peace for my soul. I just don’t want to get frustrated, tensed, and depressed over things which will eventually be over. (Pretty much like a normal person. It’s a common sense to avoid depression)

Every time I prayed for this, my intentions were like, nothing bad should happen. I shouldn’t fail any course. I should get good company. I should be able to meet the deadlines. I should spend more time with the family. I should be able to get rid of some extra weight. Basically, I wanted everything to happen which brings peace of mind, and I wanted to avoid everything which takes away that peace of mind.

It was probably some random, unheard, and unknown moment in my life when things started to change. I finally had the feeling that my mind was at peace all the time. Yes, true peace. I started to love it. The depression, the anxiety, and every negativity one can think of, it went away. With all of my calm mind, I finally could have peace in every breath I took.

Within this beautiful feeling of happiness of a sole prayer which got finally answered, I happened to figure out something really (like, Reealllyy) fishy. Everything… kinda, backfired! I tried to play smart, having one prayer, and was taught a really well lesson. Bad things were still happening. I wasn’t getting good company, in fact, I got separated from the best people I knew, I wasn’t meeting the deadlines. I was still failing my courses. I wasn’t able to spend time with my family. I gained like, 16 kilograms extra. EVERYTHING, which could cause some severe depression was happening, but… I was still at peace. Inner peace was something which I had so much, that I even started to share it with the people around me.

What have I become? Have I stopped caring? No, I still care about things, and manage them, but I simply don’t get stressed in case something goes wrong. I got what I wanted, but it made things worse (and I’m still at peace because no matter how much worse it gets, I just can not get depressed, or tensed over it.)

I. Have. Become. Unfuckwithable. *badumtss*


P.S: I “might” give a fuck if something really bad happens, like WW3, or if Jon Snow doesn’t become the King in the end, or my degree gets further delayed, or… you know, the one who’s reading it dies. Doesn’t mean I’ll definitely be worried, but at least there are some chances. Cheers!

Strengthening the thoughts (I)

“I spent the whole night, studying for the exam. Just kept cramming for the final. And now this one thing, one equation, that might have gone out of my short term memory, and now I have NO idea how to solve this question”, this is what I kept thinking during the exam. I closed my eyes, and tried to THINK, but no use. I WANTED to recall what I saw on the book last night.

When I closed my eyes, the whole Universe went out of my sight, and all I could see was some really random patterns, as if it were a visual presentation of what my mind was going through, in order to perform a search operation on a specific visual item. I tried to focus hard, and some vague patterns of a page from a book appeared. Some further focus, and the content of the page became clearer. I could see the orientation, and paragraph layouts. There was some figure drawn as well, a graph. I could barely read some text, but I wanted that specific equation. I knew the exact location of that equation on the page. Focusing on and on, I could see the variables and operators that composed the equation. As I was getting closer, it was becoming harder and harder to focus. I was spending my energy, as well as my time, because that one equation could lead me to 10 straight marks in no time. At this moment, I could feel the physical pain, as if it were telling me get out of this inner World. The pain kept on increasing, but I wasn’t willing to quit. I JUST WANTED TO RECALL THE DAMN EQUATION. *snap* “Half of the time has passed”, a voice came, which wasn’t from the World I was in at the moment, but it helped me enough go get back to my real location, with respect to my physical dimensions. Now I barely had the courage to maintain that focus again, but I was sure enough that the information was NOT lost. It was still inside, I just had to find a way to access it.

And in case if you’re wondering why I didn’t finish it in this post, well, honestly, I hate these walls of never ending text. I’ll most probably not read the text where I have to scroll down till the end,not even on 9gag. I mean, SOME scrolling is fine, but A LOT of scrolling isn’t acceptable.

Ideas that come under the shower are the best ones

2nd of July, 2014:

My 2nd semester in the university had just ended. I got 2 F grades, and had to register for the summer course(s) in order to prevent any breaks in my studies. Bored as hell. Tired as hell. Wanted to do something. I planned to enhance my OOP (Object Oriented Programming) skills by practicing. Gathered some resources, and started. Stuff went very well. Right after 15 minutes, I closed the browser, hibernated my laptop, and went to take a bath. My mind was constantly engaged in some kind of weird thinking. All I wanted was “to make something extreme out of my skills”. Tht was the time I hit upon a great idea. It was to develop a game, based purely on OOP concepts. I tho’t of a war strategy game, as I always felt an immense pleasure in playing them. So, I took a whole night to create a document, where I wrote EVERYTHING that was running in my mind about that game. Documented it, and just sent it to my teacher at the university. The document was attached with the following text:

AoA Sir. Hope you’re enjoying ramzan (with vacations). I’ve thought of this idea. Here is the basic outline. If this gets a functional-looking structure, then I’ll start working on each individual object. I’m planning to complete this by the end of this year, by working on it in small modules of time. Please have a look at this in your spare time, and let me know if I can improve this thinking any further.

He appreciated me for the initiative, encouraged me, and told me that this wasn’t the right time to go for such thing. He told me to gain more experience, as the idea was too advanced for me. He suggested me to take a few courses about game theory on coursera, so that I may have a better understanding about what I’ll be doing. At that time, I felt like Anakin Skywalker, who was being held back by Obiwan Kenobi for no reason. But, unlike Anakin Skywalker, I did obey Obiwan, and took a course on game theory for the better understanding of things.

One year later:

Another month of Ramadan came. Time passed by, and that idea went vague in my mind. A point came, where I completely lost the sense of it. I passed my 3rd semester, got engaged in my 4th semester, and passed it as well. A year passed like a swing of a sword, just a sound of “swoosh”, cutting through my soul. But I was glad, that it just passed, and I had the whole summer in front of me to do whatever the hell I wanted to.

One “bright” night it was, when a classmate of mine called me, and asked me if I wanted to be his partner for the upcoming semester projects. Without a second though, I agreed, as I knew both of us together would scare the hell out of anyone. He told me that he wanted to develop a game. We discussed a lot of game engines, available frameworks, programming languages to focus on, and similar stuff. It took us several days to decide the best suitable tools for us. We had decided to go for an RPG (Role Playing Game). For the next few days, both of us kept on focusing that “where to start?”. “What to do first?”. This was another problem for us.

2nd of July, 2015:

So, one random night, I was constantly thinking about the idea. “It should be something great”, that’s what I kept on saying to myself. Again, I went to take a bath, and suddenly, an idea hit upon my mind. “That game”. That was one of the strongest brainwaves my mind had ever felt. But the document which I created wasn’t present in my laptop anymore. Just then I recalled that I had sent it to Obiwan. Good enough. I scrolled all the way up, reading all the previous chat, realizing that how stupid I was a year ago. Took me literally 15 minutes to reach that document. I downloaded that document, clenched my fists with excitement, and just before closing the chat-box, I happened to look at the date on which the document was sent, just because I read the line “AoA Sir. Hope you’re enjoying ramzan (with vacations)“. Well. Shockingly, it was 2nd of July, 2014.

It was the same idea, came to my mind at the same place (under my shower), the same months (Ramadan, July), and the same date (2nd of July).

Where was this moment of mine?

The problem with my way of study is, that I aways try to interpret the concepts into their physical form.
And today, when I tried to study maths will my full devotion, I was amazed by the beauty of it. The perfection, the sequence, it felt like everything was going to be like I wanted it to be. Those scary looking mathematical expressions, complicated, and mind-torturing. I had never payed much attention to maths, just because I thought I wasn’t the one who can do it. But today (don’t know where the inspiration came from), I “attempted” to learn it, and all I could feel was: “Yeh lamha kahan tha mera?” (Where was this moment of mine?)



Read! In the Name of thy Lord

So I’m going to start this script with the worst combination of two best words any language can have.

“People say”, or “People believe”, or maybe “People think”, that the correct way of reaching a conclusion is to accept what is in front of you, and “appears” to be true, and deny anything that you haven’t experienced. The problem with this approach is, that different people have different perspectives, different levels of thoughts, different experiences, and different minds, and therefore, their ability to sense the “appearance” of “to be true” is also different, hence leading everyone to such a place in their mind, where “philosophical contradictions” are born.  As a result, (I’ll not mention the result. You already have experienced it at some point in your life).

There’s a little story that follows as “A group of blind people was taken to a zoo trip. Everyone in that group was assigned a task to describe that how does an elephant look like. They were brought near the elephant, and everyone started to touch its skin with hands, sensing the fabric of it, some got hands on the tusks, some got to touch the tail, legs, trunk etc. At the end, everyone was asked to explain their experience. Some of them who got their hands on its turks told that it was a rigid object, too dangerous, it had pointy ends, and it could kill anyone in its path. The ones who got the tail told a completely different story. The ones who got the legs opposed the fact that it had a pointy edge, but it still was dangerous….and the story goes on”.

This is exactly what happens when you try to explain something about which you had an incomplete information. In other words, you are supposed to confirm all the aspects in depth, in order to accept it, deny it, and make a conclusion about it. Just because you haven’t been to the United States doesn’t mean that you start denying its existence.

Lets consider another approach, where you accept everything, and then keep on considering it, unless you prove it to be wrong. Mathematicians and Logicians use this approach to reach their conclusions, and probably that’s a reason behind their high accuracy in deriving their conclusions.

Now coming towards the intellectuals, both “left wing” and “right wing”. They either try to explain everything on the basis of Scientific proofs, or completely rely on religion, or theology.

“Why the f**k they can’t join hands, and develop a habit of combined studies?”

I mean, a scientist who spent 5 decades of his life questioning God’s existence, and when he couldn’t find a prove, he ended up as a sworn atheist. On a parallel side, a mufti, who devoted his whole life studying religion, and has no idea what Qur’an’s verses mean on a scientific scale, always misinterprets them, and leads a whole community to a dead end of misery.

I can imagine a picture, where someone is holding a complete reference of Qur’an, Bible, Mahabhaarat, Wikipedia, Standard Model, and some modern research papers. Consider the maths, and philosophy behind it, and simply try to note the points which came out as an overlapping of these references, and then discuss it like some grown-ups.

Qur’an will tell you that everything is in the form of pairs. A biologist may think of it as the property of having distinct genders in every species. A physicist may think of it in terms of antimatter, or maybe quantum entanglement theory. A mathematician may think of it in terms of positivity/negativity, or corresponding imaginary numbers.

All of us are debating over “Creationism” and “Evolution”. Can’t creations evolve? *facepalm*

“Heavens and earth used to be one solid mass, and it exploded into existence” is the context from a verse from Qur’an. It exactly resembles the Big Bang Theory.”Heavens are expanding” (context from Qur’an), and so is the Universe (Science).”Even the fingerprint of a human can be recreated after his body gets eaten-up by the Earth” (context from Qur’an), the same thing is explained by “Genetic Preservation”.I haven’t read any religious script other than Qur’an, so I just can’t quote them, but I know that those scripts will also contain something similar. There’s no way a whole community of more than 1 Billion people can follow an absolute lie.There can be countless other examples, much clearer than the ones I’ve given. The thing is, that a typical atheist scientist will agree with all of the scientific facts, but will deny everything written in any religious script. On the other hand, a rigid extremist mufti/monk/priest will say that everything written in his religious scrips in 100% truth, but will deny all of the scientific fact, and in some cases, will oppose the study of science and nature.I personally believe that if you start reading your religious script, and start visualizing it in terms of society as well as science, *end of ideas/words/thoughts*

The cherished goal, stay glad

So here I am, standing on the verge of my teenage, with a lot to remember, a lot to repent, a lot to face, and a lot to learn. People do tell me to change myself, and I just want to let them know that “constant is a cool thing to be”. They tell me to be mature and act like a grown up, and I simply add “so that I may start wishing to be a child again”.

People do have misconceptions. Being silent doesn’t mean that I don’t have a voice. Remaining oblivious doesn’t mean that I don’t have the ability to judge things around me. I have the abilities, I just don’t see the need of using them in a wasteful manner.

I wish I could waste some more keystrokes and space on what these people say and think, but I’ve some better things to write here at the moment.
My whole life till now has shown a very deviated behavior. Always remaining at extreme points. Sorrows were extreme, and joys were extreme. Maybe that’s the reason that little sufferings don’t hurt me, and little joys don’t flatter me. So if yo really want to blow me away, you’ve to be either the worst, or the best.
Life already had shown me only two variations of itself. The next thing was, that I chose to be a computer scientist, where we’re always told that the core decisions of every thought are based on two discrete values. It’s either yes, or no. There is nothing in between. So whenever I treat you like a “Yes or No” subject, either bear it, or tear it apart.
To those people who are like “itna toh chalta hai yaar”, I want to let them know: “Phir kisi aur k saath chalaya karo ja ke. Mere saath nai chalta”.

No one is poor on the account of the fact that every human on this planet breathes air worth $0.5 million, rain worth $1.7 billion, sunlight worth $180 billion, and a land to walk on, which is more than $190 quadrillion on annual basis.

This is a start of a new era for me. I don’t want to be pleased. I don’t want to be loved. I don’t want to be remembered. All I want is to “Know”.
To “Know” is my goal of life. As long as I keep on “Knowing”, I’ll continue to survive.