The Sole Prayer

Being someone with a blind faith in a Supreme Being, I’ve never felt alone, unattended, or lost. Since the time I gained some sense of thinking, I’ve been taught that a prayer from a true heart is listened, and answered. I’ve been told that prayers have the power to alter the destiny.

(Some say that God re-writes how your life-story goes, some say that the destiny is conditional, it decides a path after every phase; i-e it’s like a Y-intersection road. When your prayer gets accepted, your life story moves in one way, otherwise it moves in the other way. There can be more than two options. But this is a total different topic.)

I always had one prayer. Nothing less, nothing more. It was just one, but a smart one. After every time I offered my obligatory prayers, every time visiting a mosque, after every fast, I just asked God to give me some inner peace. Peace for my mind, and peace for my soul. I just don’t want to get frustrated, tensed, and depressed over things which will eventually be over. (Pretty much like a normal person. It’s a common sense to avoid depression)

Every time I prayed for this, my intentions were like, nothing bad should happen. I shouldn’t fail any course. I should get good company. I should be able to meet the deadlines. I should spend more time with the family. I should be able to get rid of some extra weight. Basically, I wanted everything to happen which brings peace of mind, and I wanted to avoid everything which takes away that peace of mind.

It was probably some random, unheard, and unknown moment in my life when things started to change. I finally had the feeling that my mind was at peace all the time. Yes, true peace. I started to love it. The depression, the anxiety, and every negativity one can think of, it went away. With all of my calm mind, I finally could have peace in every breath I took.

Within this beautiful feeling of happiness of a sole prayer which got finally answered, I happened to figure out something really (like, Reealllyy) fishy. Everything… kinda, backfired! I tried to play smart, having one prayer, and was taught a really well lesson. Bad things were still happening. I wasn’t getting good company, in fact, I got separated from the best people I knew, I wasn’t meeting the deadlines. I was still failing my courses. I wasn’t able to spend time with my family. I gained like, 16 kilograms extra. EVERYTHING, which could cause some severe depression was happening, but… I was still at peace. Inner peace was something which I had so much, that I even started to share it with the people around me.

What have I become? Have I stopped caring? No, I still care about things, and manage them, but I simply don’t get stressed in case something goes wrong. I got what I wanted, but it made things worse (and I’m still at peace because no matter how much worse it gets, I just can not get depressed, or tensed over it.)

I. Have. Become. Unfuckwithable. *badumtss*


P.S: I “might” give a fuck if something really bad happens, like WW3, or if Jon Snow doesn’t become the King in the end, or my degree gets further delayed, or… you know, the one who’s reading it dies. Doesn’t mean I’ll definitely be worried, but at least there are some chances. Cheers!

“…somewhere right after where our jaws end”

First things first, if you’re going to read through all of this (please stop right here if you’re not in a good/happy mood), let me inform you that this will get pretty boring at some places. So, just in case you feel like you want to stop reading this, you have my permission to leave the page, or close the browser, or jump off a cliff, or do whatever you can to stop reading this. Secondly, there’s quite a chance that you might be a beautiful person reading this. (And btw, I don’t mind if you’re ugly, because you’re the reason rest of the World looks so beautiful. So, cheer up!)

This new mechanized World is something that NO ONE could’ve ever imagined 50 years back. Technology has made every possible effort to reduce the differences. The communities have come closer, people have the the power to share their thoughts literally thousands of miles away in a few clicks (just what I’m doing right now). You can have a lot of friends on Facebook, you can have a lot of followers on Twitter, you can always stay connected through Whatsapp. All in all, the distances have been reduced as little as an arm’s length. The World is so different from what it was about 50 years back (Tho I’m still not sure about that, because I’ve been here no longer than 22 years, and a few days).

But the real questions, Are we actually connected? Have the words not lost their true essence? Does being a “friend” means the same as it was 50 years back? Does “following” someone still has the same emotions as it had 50 years back? (Does playing with a “pussy (cat)” is the same thing it used to be back then?) How come these words have lost their true meanings? We can type a big “LOL” (notice the caps on), and we’ll still have that stiff, expressionless face of a dead person. All those emoticons mean nothing to us. We literally have at least ONE emoticon for EVERY imaginable emotion (Yes, there is one even for the expression when you can’t decide if you wan to be happy, or sad, or both, about something, and Whatsapp also offers you to choose the skin color if you’re offended by some kind of racism). We actually use them, all of them; smiling, laughing, crying, kissing, and God knows what else! But, do we actually laugh, or cry when we send them? We’ve forgot how to express out true emotions. We’ve forgot how to smile in a genuine way. Yes, we’ve become experts in putting on the masks, and can come up with the the most genuine looking, photogenic, mechanical smiles. The original smiles used to start with the heart (technically not), and ended up on the faces. These new smiles start somewhere right after where our jaws end, and hardly reach the faces (think of the most corrupt politician you know about, and imagine him/her smiling if you want to visualize what I’m trying to write in here).

I’m not saying that all this technology, all this interconnection, all this socializing is a bad thing, but as per the human nature (Especially talking about the millennials), all this seems to have backfired, and backfired really hard. And congratulations, if you’re still reading this. Reading this much of a thing requires a lot of patience, so, you definitely seem like a calm, and kind person (or probably you need to get a life). And *brofist* if you actually find the place(s) where I used “the the” in a sentence.

*signs-off, fades away*

P.S: Now I’ll randomly select ONE phrase from this post to be the title. If it felt like the post had no focus (which it actually didn’t have), that’s because I wrote it first, and THEN chose a topic for it.

Strengthening the thoughts (I)

“I spent the whole night, studying for the exam. Just kept cramming for the final. And now this one thing, one equation, that might have gone out of my short term memory, and now I have NO idea how to solve this question”, this is what I kept thinking during the exam. I closed my eyes, and tried to THINK, but no use. I WANTED to recall what I saw on the book last night.

When I closed my eyes, the whole Universe went out of my sight, and all I could see was some really random patterns, as if it were a visual presentation of what my mind was going through, in order to perform a search operation on a specific visual item. I tried to focus hard, and some vague patterns of a page from a book appeared. Some further focus, and the content of the page became clearer. I could see the orientation, and paragraph layouts. There was some figure drawn as well, a graph. I could barely read some text, but I wanted that specific equation. I knew the exact location of that equation on the page. Focusing on and on, I could see the variables and operators that composed the equation. As I was getting closer, it was becoming harder and harder to focus. I was spending my energy, as well as my time, because that one equation could lead me to 10 straight marks in no time. At this moment, I could feel the physical pain, as if it were telling me get out of this inner World. The pain kept on increasing, but I wasn’t willing to quit. I JUST WANTED TO RECALL THE DAMN EQUATION. *snap* “Half of the time has passed”, a voice came, which wasn’t from the World I was in at the moment, but it helped me enough go get back to my real location, with respect to my physical dimensions. Now I barely had the courage to maintain that focus again, but I was sure enough that the information was NOT lost. It was still inside, I just had to find a way to access it.

And in case if you’re wondering why I didn’t finish it in this post, well, honestly, I hate these walls of never ending text. I’ll most probably not read the text where I have to scroll down till the end,not even on 9gag. I mean, SOME scrolling is fine, but A LOT of scrolling isn’t acceptable.

The cherished goal, stay glad

So here I am, standing on the verge of my teenage, with a lot to remember, a lot to repent, a lot to face, and a lot to learn. People do tell me to change myself, and I just want to let them know that “constant is a cool thing to be”. They tell me to be mature and act like a grown up, and I simply add “so that I may start wishing to be a child again”.

People do have misconceptions. Being silent doesn’t mean that I don’t have a voice. Remaining oblivious doesn’t mean that I don’t have the ability to judge things around me. I have the abilities, I just don’t see the need of using them in a wasteful manner.

I wish I could waste some more keystrokes and space on what these people say and think, but I’ve some better things to write here at the moment.
My whole life till now has shown a very deviated behavior. Always remaining at extreme points. Sorrows were extreme, and joys were extreme. Maybe that’s the reason that little sufferings don’t hurt me, and little joys don’t flatter me. So if yo really want to blow me away, you’ve to be either the worst, or the best.
Life already had shown me only two variations of itself. The next thing was, that I chose to be a computer scientist, where we’re always told that the core decisions of every thought are based on two discrete values. It’s either yes, or no. There is nothing in between. So whenever I treat you like a “Yes or No” subject, either bear it, or tear it apart.
To those people who are like “itna toh chalta hai yaar”, I want to let them know: “Phir kisi aur k saath chalaya karo ja ke. Mere saath nai chalta”.

No one is poor on the account of the fact that every human on this planet breathes air worth $0.5 million, rain worth $1.7 billion, sunlight worth $180 billion, and a land to walk on, which is more than $190 quadrillion on annual basis.

This is a start of a new era for me. I don’t want to be pleased. I don’t want to be loved. I don’t want to be remembered. All I want is to “Know”.
To “Know” is my goal of life. As long as I keep on “Knowing”, I’ll continue to survive.