Let’s just get out of the typical old-school ways of romance, let’s just stop running around in the valleys, let’s just stop stabbing trees for nothing, let’s just not start singing lullabies while driving @30 mph on a lonely road. It’s a new World (Illuminati alert). Come up with new (ironic) ways to express your love, just like this story…
Kevin (A typical adult douche) have been dying to find the love of his life. He wanted to feel this divine feeling, but he was losing his faith in “the search of true love” with every unmatched right-swipe on his newly installed Tinder app. “THREE goddamn days and I ain’t got even shit!”, he thought to himself. After all, what he was searching for was one of the biggest treasures a person could have. With every sleepless night passing by, the poor lad was losing his strength(s) (And he wasn’t even slightly ashamed of it).
On the other end, another typical adult douche, named Edmonia (good job, parents) found out that some “Kevin” (4.5 miles away) is interested in her. Edmonia, like everyone else, had issues with life (she was adopted, and her “parents” had told her this and she decided not to live with them anymore). A high-school dropout, who wanted to practice witchcraft, but ended up as a waitress because she couldn’t get her Hogwarts letter in the Sunday mail. For some real strange reason (most probably a failed summoning), she decided to spend rest of her life as an anti-social emo girl. But when she found out, that despite of her highly resisting outlook, some Kevin was interested in her (Btw, Kevin literally had right-swiped EVERY possible person he could find on Tinder, which includes a fake Vampire, Gothic twins, Pokemon fans, A Jesus’ cosplay, and a 58 YO trans from Thailand), she felt like gathering herself from the very scratch. For the first time in years, she had this really strange thought of putting on some makeup, and actually meeting someone with a positive vibe.
As soon as Kevin realized that he got matched, he instantly wanted to express his feelings. It was for the first time he regained his lost faith (and some strength) in true love, and he simply could NOT wait any longer to text “Yo, babe!”. After expressing his love to Edmonia, he waited for next 10 minutes, staring at the screen, before he got a “hey, let’s get crazy”. This! This was the moment when a whole new level of true love was born. It was different, it was new, it was unique, it was gross AF!
So it was decided. Both were destined to “meet and… eat”. 7 PM, some cafe of her choice. So, the big moment came. It was “almost” 7:20 PM, and Kevin was just ready to dress up for the said “big moment”. He just had his father’s looks in those red jeans, checked shirt, with his lucky Kansas City Royals’ baseball cap (which he probably picked up from the stadium 10 years ago after an angry fan threw it away after their 106th loss).
On the other side, Edmonia couldn’t find a proper dress for her special night. After giving a considerable thought, she made it sure that she wears THE most sluttiest thing in her wardrobe (Despite of being the author, I’m still no one to judge, btw). 7:40 PM, and now she was totally ready to leave for her not-so long awaited date.
Kevin, being a good (and desperate) guy, reached the place 5 minutes earlier than Edmonia. And when he saw her entering the cafe, he KNEW that she’s THE ONE! He had a good understanding of how his luck worked, and this always helped him in getting into the worst kind of trouble in life. He raised his hand, and after realizing that his gesture was totally ignored, he went up to her to accompany her to the table. Now that’s really gentlemanly.
“Hey, you’re finally here. I thought you were gone. I’m sorry for being late”, told Kevin. He was just being super-honest.
“No problem, dude! I kinda left, but then I had this feeling that I should go back”, Edmonia fully took the advantage of the situation.
(*Insert a lot of censored bullshit in here*)
Since now she had disclosed her little secrets to him, like how life had been, how her parents hid all those Hogwarts letter from her, and how desperately she was waiting for a white wizard to hand over some magical ring to her, Kevin knew instantly what she wanted in life. Yes! They both had the same wish, which was going to be fulfilled really soon. When she realized that finally, there was someone who could understand her, she had these big tears in her eyes. She tried to hold them back, pretending to look strong, but she eventually lost to her long held emotions.
Kevin wiped away her tears, and accidentally her eyebrows too (How the fuck does she cry, for the tears to be all up in her eyebrows?). He took her to his place, and both ended up in his wardrobe to continue “their journey towards Narnia”.
Things I do for love
-Courage the Cowardly Dog
P.S: Yes, I WAS probably on some serious drugs while writing this. Thank you!